Thinking Out Loud
by redhandedwickedlittlemachine
Summary: Amy returns to school on the Monday following Adrian's miscarriage, and things weigh on her thoughts. Based on the song Thinking Out Loud by Lesley Roy.


**A/N: **This is just a little ficlet that drabbles in (kinda) the follow-up of _In The Dark, I See _(you don't have to read it to understand), but really has more to do with Amy's first day back at school, the following Monday. This fic follows the ending of …Or Not To Be (again, kinda...) It also ties in with the song (aptly titled) _Thinking Out Loud_ by Lesley Roy.

Anyway… I hope you enjoy.

_Thinking Out Loud_

_I__'ve been losing my mind_

_I've been living a lie_

_I've been running away for so long_

Amy's feet dragged as she trudged towards the entrance of Grant High School. The morning had been rough, filled with dodging calls from Ricky and Ben, and trying to get John ready in time to get to the nursery. The weekend had taken somewhat of a downturn after she and Ricky had finally had sex.

She yawned, pulling the door open in front of her, and walked sleepily over to her locker. It was rare, but she had a cup of coffee in her hand, that she'd stopped to pick up before she'd made it to school. She felt like she hadn't slept at all.

She settled the cup of coffee on the edge of her locker door and opened her bag and picked through it to take out the books she wouldn't need quite yet. Once she had them, she placed them in her locker, and then grabbed her English Lit book and History book, and stuffed them into her bag. She grabbed her coffee cup off of the ledge and grasped it tightly in her hand as she closed her locker.

_I try to put on a face_

_And cover my heart_

Grace stood across the hall, talking to Alice and Henry. They all looked as depressed as she felt. She ran a hand through her bangs and took a sip from her coffee. She knew she should probably find someone to talk to, at least to occupy her time, but she really didn't have the interest to carry on a conversation at the moment.

She sighed heavily and dug through her bag until she found her geometry book, and then she walked out of the bright orange doors of the school. She made her way over to the lunch tables and dropped her book on top of it, and flipped it open. Her notebook was on the page with the assigned homework, still inside her book. She reached into her bag and retrieved a pencil and then settled at the table and looked at what she still had to finish. It was almost bittersweet. She'd had a good portion of the weekend to get all her school work done, especially when Ricky had offered to take John over Saturday night, but she hadn't gotten the little that needed to be finished done. There was _always_ homework to finished.

She looked over the few problems she needed to finish, and scribbled in quick answers, being careful to show enough work to get a passing grade, and then found herself frustrated again. She slapped her book shut and covered her face with her hands.

_**Get a hold of yourself, Amy. You**__**'re at school. **_

Her emotions had been all over the place ever since Friday night. Finding out first that Adrian and Ben's daughter had been stillborn had ripped her apart. One the people she had ever gotten closest to had lost his own child. Adrian, who Amy considered a friend regardless, had had motherhood ripped right out of her hands without so much as a reason why. It tugged on Amy's heartstrings.

Truth be told though (and she wasn't actually _telling_ anyone), what hurt her more than the fact that it was Ben and Adrian that had lost a baby, was the fact that _she _**had** a baby. Her son was alive, healthy, and perfectly content. The idea that she could've gone through a situation like Adrian and Ben, or that she might lose her son at any moment _at all_ scared the crap out of her. She couldn't imagine a life that didn't have John in it.

_but I__'m needing it now, so bad_

That had started her odd behaviour. She had avoided saying anything about it to anyone, including Ricky. She didn't want to come off to him as selfish, or make him think she was trying to take something about Adrian and make it into something about her.

It had gotten worse though, after they had had sex. She'd felt fine the night before with him, but when she woke up the next morning, and saw his bare skin under the sunlight from where he lay in bed, _scared_ her. When they'd conceived John, it had been so dark in the mess hall that she hadn't really thought to look at him, and lamp lighting didn't give much away, either. But laying under the light from the sun itself, she could see every little scar that had ever formed. It made her stomach knot.

Scars ran down and across his back in jagged rows. Some looked like fingernails had scraped down his back repeatedly. Others looked like they were from some sort of paddle. The ones caused by a knife or razor were easy to point out amongst the others, in fact that they were clean slices. It tore her heart into pieces to know someone she was so in love with, had suffered that much.

_I don__'t know how I feel_

She took a long sip from her coffee and then shoved her geometry book back into her bag, and stood from the bench. She picked up her coffee and slung her bag over her shoulder, and walked over to the doors, guzzling on her coffee as she did. As she reentered the school, she spotted Madison and Lauren. They waved her over.

She finished off her coffee and tossed the cup into the trash as she walked over t them.

"What's up," she asked.

Madison and Lauren shrugged, smiling at her. "How'd your weekend go with Ricky?"

_Maybe I__'m mad, or maybe I'm proud_

She struggled not to groan at the question. She was still learning Ricky's art of keeping things to herself. He hated telling anyone anything about their relationship that he felt they didn't need to know. On the other hand, Amy was used to dishing her every whim and thought to Madison and Lauren. She understood why Ricky was the way he was though, especially with her friends. They certainly liked to talk about Amy's private life pretty publicly.

"It was fine," Amy answered, trying to dismiss the subject.

"So? Did you guys…?" Madison and Lauren stared at her expectantly. Amy rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair.

"Did we **what**?"

"You know," Madison said, nudging her suggestively. "Did you do it?"

Amy forced a laugh and shook her head. "Does it matter? The whole school knows enough about Ricky and me. Do they really need to know more?"

Madison and Lauren looked surprised at her. She gave a heavy sigh and shook her head again.

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't want to talk about what did or didn't happen right now. It doesn't matter," she insisted. "How did your weekends go?"

Madison began talking about something she'd done with Jack, while Lauren filled her in on details about the date she'd had, but Amy was hardly paying attention.

_Can__'t find the truth_

_Can't speak my mind_

At the other end of the hall, Ricky had entered the school, and was rummaging through his locker for books. She tried to keep her gaze on Madison and Lauren, but her attention turned fully on to him. She really didn't want to talk to him yet, but she knew she couldn't put it off forever.

She checked the time on her cell phone and then stuffed it into her pocket. The bell would ring for class to start in five minutes. All she had to do was get through five minutes without him seeing her.

_Don__'t know what I'll say_

It was like he was reading her mind. The moment the thought crossed her mind, he looked up, straight in the line of her direction, and began walking towards her.

"That's great. I have to go to the bathroom before class," she said quickly. She walked away from Madison and Lauren and into the bathroom, not five feet away. She passed several girls who were finishing make up or doing touchups, and chatting or texting on the cell phones.

She slipped into a stall and closed the door behind her. She settled her book bag on the floor and then stood there, waiting for time to pass.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She knew it was him, probably calling to ask why she was avoiding him. She waited for the phone to stop buzzing. It stopped rather quickly though, telling her it was a text message. Curiosity got the best of her though, and she pulled her phone out to look at it.

_**From: Ricky**_

_**Ben's here. **_

"Amy? Amy are you in here?"

She glared at the ceiling and stomped her foot quietly as she opened the stall door. Girls had stopped moving and stood aghast in front of mirrors and walls as they stared at Ricky standing in the doorway. She picked up her bag and walked out of the bathroom, with Ricky following quickly in suit.

He grabbed her wrist and stopped her from getting any further from him. "Ben wants to talk to you."

"Fine," she muttered. She turned on her heel to walk away, but Ricky kept his grip.

"What's going on with you? I thought things were good with us," he said.

"They are," Amy told him. "We'll talk later."

Ricky shook his head, still keeping his hold on her arm. "No they're not. They haven't been since Saturday, and I don't know why."

Amy stared at him for a long moment. She thought about telling him what was really on her mind, but she didn't want to hurt him. Plus if Ben wanted to talk to her, she wouldn't have time to go into detail. She opened her mouth to speak, but the bell rang, signaling time to get into class. She closed her mouth.

Ricky released her arm, defeated, and walked away with a scowl on his face.

She met Ben in the hallway, on their walk to English.

"How're you today," she asked tentatively.

"I'm fine," he said in a soft, frustrated voice.

"I'm sorry, Ben," she told him. "I really am."

He looked up at her as they made their way up a flight of stairs. "I believe you. I just… This all sucks."

Amy nodded. "I know." She hugged him quickly, and then continued on their way with him, to English class.

The class itself was boring. They were watching the film version of _The Scarlet Letter_, but Amy wasn't really paying attention. She'd read the book in her (rare) spare time over the previous summer and already knew everything about it.

_I__'m just thinking out loud…_

The class dragged on, but eventually came to an ending. She made her way down the stairs with Ben before they split in different directions, and she joined Grace for history, geometry, and study hall. By the time lunch rolled around, she felt like she was ready to explode with all the emotions tied up inside her.

_No, no I can__'t explain_

_What's happened to me_

She pushed past several people as she slammed her locker door shut and walked into the bathroom. For the time that it was, just minutes after class had cleared out, the bathroom deserted. Most people crammed in to use the facilities before heading out for the open lunch to get something from a fast food chain.

She looked around the room shakily and then let out a heavy breath as several sobs wracked through her body and escaped her. She felt like a mess, and she didn't understand why. **She **was the one with the guy that everyone else wanted. **She** was the one with the child who was alive. So why was she so damned beside herself?

_I feel like I__'m right and wrong…_

The bathroom door opened behind her and she quickly wiped away her tears. She walked over to one of the sinks and turned on the faucet, shoving her hands under it. She waited for it to become tepid before she cupped some into her hands and splashed it onto her face.

"Why do you keep running to the bathroom to hide?"

He offered her up a patch of paper towel as she stood up straight. She took the paper toweling and wiped her face off wordlessly before she looked up at him.

"I'm not hiding," she said honestly. "I just needed a moment to gather myself."

"From _what_," Ricky asked her in a frustrated voice.

Amy shrugged, looking down at the floor from the corner of her eyes. She could feel tears filling her eyes again.

"From the fact that…" she stopped, feeling the knot in her throat tighten.

Ricky shook his head and stepped to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her head to his shoulder. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

_Inside, everything__'s upside down_

_Everything's spinning around_

_And it's freaking me out_

She cried into his shoulder willingly, and _damn_ it felt good. She felt like a dam was breaking on her, from all the things she'd kept buried up inside her head for the last few days, just from the Ben/Adrian situation on it's own.

She forced herself to compose a few minutes later, and pulled away from him. She wiped away the tears on her face and finally looked him in the eyes.

"From the fact that we _have _John. He's alive, and he's healthy, and…" She shook her head, not knowing how to continue.

"And people are treating you like its your burden that Ben and Adrian's daughter died," he finished for her.

"I don't know," Amy cried, waving her hands. "I just… I can't _imagine_ a life that John isn't a part of. I'm _terrified_ of ever waking up one day and being told he just _died_."

Ricky shook his head and hugged her once more. "It's not your fault that their baby died. It's not anyone's fault. And people have no right to make you feel guilty because we have John, so don't let them. Ben and Adrian… they're going through hell, but that's not on us. No one did anything to cause any of this."

_I don__'t know how I feel_

Amy nodded slowly, knowing he was right. She pulled away from him again, and tried once more to pull herself together. Talking to Ricky did help, even though she wasn't sure about how to approach the subject of his scars.

_Maybe I__'m mad, _

_Or maybe I'm proud_

"Is that all that was bugging you this weekend," he asked her.

She considered telling him the truth for a moment, but instead just settled for telling him yes. He slipped his fingers into her and pulled her out of the bathroom with him, carrying her book bag as he did.

"You want to bring John over tonight for dinner," he asked.

Amy shrugged, taking her bag from him as they headed for the doors to the lunch area. "Maybe. I guess depending on my homework load tonight." 

"Have you gotten any so far," he asked.

Amy shrugged again. "What I did have, I got finished in study hall. But I still have Biology and Media."

"Great," Ricky said cheerfully, and Amy didn't have the heart to tell him that, homework or not, she still wasn't sure she wanted to come over.

_Can__'t find the truth_

_Can't speak my mind_

_Don't know what I'll say_

Ricky got lunch for the both of them, and then they ate in silence for the most part. Amy was slightly surprised to realize how much she'd missed his company in the two days it had been since they'd really spent any time together.

Once lunch was done, they headed back into the school together for orchestra. They chatted lightly about John and Ricky talked about picking up Chinese for dinner. Amy didn't really make much of a comment, and any attempt to further the conversation as class went on, continued to be thwarted. Once it was through, Amy put her French horn away and then left the room without another word to Ricky. He quickly caught on to the fact that she still wasn't telling him something.

_I__'m just thinking out loud…_

Biology was probably the easiest subject of the day. They were dissecting cow eyes, and while doing it repulsed Amy to no end, it was simple, and it passed the time.

The last class of the day was Media - a class in the computer room that was all about social media. The job of the day was to start a blog on from a list of one of the chosen school sites, and to write at least three paragraphs about how their day had gone. Amy's nerves wracked, as she knew the teacher would be reading the writings over later, and she didn't want to get herself into trouble.

_If only for the day, _

She wasted no time grabbing her things and hightailing it out of school once the final bell rang. She passed Ricky, and knew by the look on his face that he was pissed with her. It really didn't help that she didn't have any homework, and that she had a short workday. She only had to go into the nursery until six PM.

_I could be free_

Her afternoon was quick. She no sooner got into the nursery and hugged John, and the other kids were surrounding her to play music. They played on toy xylophones and drums for close to two hours before she and another aide fed them all a snack. She sat down to eat her graham cracker with John, only to be distracted by her cellphone again.

_**From: Ricky**_

_**Can you please come tonight? **_

_**I have to tell you something important. **_

_**Please. I love you**_

She closed her phone and settled it back into her pocket. The biggest part of her _really_ didn't want to go, but she didn't want to leave him hanging on the chance that it actually _might_ be something really important.

The kids finished up with their snack, and they played several rounds of Telephone before her workday came to an end. She packed John up and got his sweater on him before the walked out of the daycare.

_I bet you__'d feel the same_

The drive to Ricky's apartment felt daunting. She didn't want to tell him why she was acting the way she was. She'd had so many thoughts, fears, and emotions, all over what she'd seen, since Saturday, and she was sure she'd sound crazy to him.

She pulled up outside the butcher shop in time to see him flipping the Open sign to Closed. She got John out of his car seat and grabbed his diaper bag and her school bag, and then walked up to the door, which Ricky was already holding open.

"Nice to see you."

Amy nodded, and handed over John as he reached out for Ricky.

"Hey buddy!"

"What's up," Amy asked impatiently. "What did you want to talk about?"

Ricky tilted his head towards the stairs. "Can we do it somewhere without cameras?"

Amy took a heavy breath and then nodded, walking over to the stairs. She walked up them and opened the door, and walked inside. Ricky followed her in, and then settled John on the floor as he locked the door behind him. John walked off towards a bucket of toys that belonged to him.

_If you were me_

Amy sat down on the couch and looked up at him expectantly. "What's so important?"

Ricky walked over to her and sat down, turning so that he was facing her. He rested his hand on her knee, and smiled sympathetically at her.

"What's so important is that whatever it _is_, that's getting to you, it's okay. You don't have to be afraid to talk to me about whatever it is that I did."

Amy stared at him, not sure what to say.

"If you don't want to have sex, we don't have to. We don't have to do anything if you don't want to," he assured her.

"It's not sex," Amy told him. She shook her head and looked down at her hands.

"Then what is it," he asked. He reached his hand up and brushed her bangs out of her face.

Amy looked up at him, with tears in her eyes once again.

_I__'m gonna spit it out_

_Just let go…_

"The other morning, when we were here," she murmured.

Ricky nodded. "What about it? Did I do something? Is it because I didn't wear something to bed, or-"

Amy shook her head. "No. I just…" She continued to shake her head, and grimaced as tears began to race down her cheeks.

Ricky stared at her with that same worried expression he'd been wearing with her for most of the day. "Just _what_, babe? You can tell me."

_I__'ve been losing my mind_

_I've been living a lie_

_I've been running away for so long…._

"When I woke up the other day, and you were still sleeping, and the sun was up…" She shook her head again as her voice caught in her throat. The knot formed there was so tight that it actually hurt. She swallowed hard, trying to hold back more tears. "All the scars…"

Ricky stared at her for several long moments as what she was trying to tell him pieced itself together in his brain. He opened his mouth to say something, only to close it again. How was he supposed to console her over that? He hadn't told her much about his father.

_I don__'t know how I feel_

Amy brought her hands to her head and cried into the sleeves of her sweater.

_Maybe I__'m mad_

_Or maybe I'm proud_

Ricky shook his head at the sight, and pulled her into his lap, rocking gently back and forth as he tried to calm her down. What she wasn't willing to say, he already understood.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay," he told her gently.

_Can__'t find the truth_

_Can't speak my mind_

It took a few minutes to calm her down, but when he managed to, she moved back into her space on the couch. John had walked up to them, clearly wanting to know what exactly had upset his parents so much. Amy picked him up and showered him in kisses in attempt to distract him from her obvious tears .

_I don__'t know what I'll say: _

Ricky brushed his hand through her hair again. "It's okay, Ames." 

She shook her head, trying ot hold back her tears. "It's not. It's not okay that you've been through those things. It's not okay that your father thought that was okay. And it's not okay that he hurt you in those ways. I just…I couldn't…I don't…."

_I__'m just thinking out loud…_

"Would it help if I told you about some of it," Ricky asked her tentatively.

She was surprised at his comment, and furrowed her brow slightly. "Ricky, I don't know… I don't want to make you-"

He shook his head. "You wouldn't be making me do anything. If it would help you to understand better, or to deal…"

She pursed her lips. "Have you ever told anyone else?"

He shook his head. "No. Even Lauren's dad doesn't know that much. But you and John…it's different. You know, I told Adrian once - while you were in New York - that I didn't want you to accept me. I wanted you to change me. And you have."

Amy raised her eyebrows slightly, and then gave a small smile. "Really?"

Ricky smiled back at her and nodded. "Yeah."

She reached a hand up and brushed it across his cheek, where his own tears had started to fall. "I never want you to feel like you have to tell me."

"I don't," he promised. "But you should know. Like it or not, John will one day."

"Okay," Amy said shakily. She nodded her head.

"Okay," Ricky agreed. He leaned over and kissed her chastely. "Now is that _really_ all that was upsetting you."

"Yes," Amy said assertively. "I promise."

Ricky smiled, brushing his thumb over her blushed cheek. "Good. Why don't we go get dinner?"

_Thinking out loud__…_


End file.
